Breaking the Grip of Depression.
I'm usually a pretty strong fighter, full of energy, hope and fortitude but there have been many days in the past couple of years that I have been extraordinarily tired, struggling to find my motivation, my faith and my joy.
There was a time when I had a faith that was unshakeable, a thirst for God that was insatiable. Now there are days when I don't even feel like opening up my Bible or praying or talking to God. It's not that I don't want to, it's that I can't. I just literally can't.
Sometimes after very long battles, our bodies just can't fight anymore, we've worn them out, we've exhausted every part of our being and we end up feeling very depressed.
The older I get the more I realize I just don't recover so fast.. I just don't instantly get a new supply of motivation and energy. Sometimes it feels as if the lights will never turn back on. I want to feel like me again but she feels so far away and lost.
But I know at this point in my journey that "feeling" isn't my truth because God is the God who heals. The truth is she is still in there and God is not done with me.
Recently I was struggling with this awful feeling of lifelessness, not wanting to do any of the things I knew would help me. So I left my Bible in plain sight on the counter as a reminder, waiting for the desire to open it. Knowing I need to but still lacking the desire to do it, knowing if I see it everyday, I might become inclined. Then one day I did. I thought, let me just read for 5 minutes I can do that. I just simply opened up my Bible and asked God speak to me cause I really don't feel like doing this.
What I opened up to was psalm 51, it's a long one so I won't share the whole thing but here is what I heard God say to me:
"I see you, I know you, look at my children they have suffered in the same way. See how David did not have any hope, strength or ability left. See what he did, he asked.
He asked to be purified and washed,
he asked to be made to hear joy and gladness,
he asked to be recreated and renewed,
he asked to be restored,
he asked to be upheld,
he asked to be willing,
he asked to be delivered,
he asked for his lips to be open,
he asked God to do good to him and his people."
I guess I didn't think to ask Him to give me back my desire for Him, I didn't think to ask Him to make me willing again or to have Him open up my mouth and my ears so as to speak and hear words that would bring life back into me!
Your brain kinda goes on auto pilot when you get depressed...foggy, unclear and sometimes disoriented. But that's what I need when I feel depressed, I need Him to do what I cannot do for myself. I cannot do it on my own. I want to but it feels like lifting a house with my bare hands.
OK God I'm asking. Give me back what was taken, my joy, my peace, my faith, my words, my eyes, my ears, my hope, my desire, my love. It's gone away and I can't find it.
"I will cry to God most high, who performs on my behalf and rewards me [who brings to pass His purposes for me and surely completes them!] - Psalm 57: 2-3.
Thank you God, that you will perform and complete your purpose in me.
A few days later I noticed I was reading and meditating and praying and that I was feeling renewed..I didn't do anything different except pray that prayer and trust Him.
So the next time depression begins to grip you, turn to psalm 51 and like David..ask God to come into your depression and lift you out knowing and believing that He wants to, that its His job and He loves you and that its His good pleasure to give us the kingdom! -Luke 12:32. I know it sounds simple and you may have to do it more then once..but keep asking and watch how God begins to intervene in ways you never believed possible.